Ready or Not...

Ready or not....the emotional roller coaster that I didn't realize I was on, was beginning for this season of my life.  I hope you have some time because this may be a long post! ; )
Recovering from this surgery was very exhausting. Physically and mentally.  Physically because it had just drained me.  I recovered from my back surgery pretty well, but this recovery lasted longer than I wanted it too. I think having two major surgeries back to back didn't help.  Mentally was even more of a struggle for me because of the insecurities I had. Throughout my childhood I struggled with not feeling accepted & not "fitting in".  I'm sure there are a lot of people that experienced those emotions too.  My circumstances weren't bad, just different from other children at that time.  My older bother and I were raised by our grandparents on our father's side.  Our parents met while our dad was in the Marines during the time of the Vietnam War.  Our birth mom & dad divorced when we were babies (we are 16 months apart) She went her way & our dad joined the Navy. Our grandparents then had guardianship over us (I was 5months old, I think).  Being bi-racial, raised in a "white" family during those days weren't as common as now. People thought my grandparents adopted us. In elementary, I can remember kids thinking I was lying about not being adopted. In the minds of kids, they saw a brown girl raised in a white family. It didn't make sense how they could be my biological family. In school kids would come up to me saying "What are You????" or are you this or that? I also was called every racial slur there is. No one was ever right though, LOL! As a teenager, on a family vacation, we were all at a mall. Everyone went their own way. My aunt & I decided to go sit down and a man approached us asking my race. I told him & he wasn't very happy w/ that answer b/c it didn't agree w/ his thoughts. He became angry & argumentative so we got up to go find the family, mainly the men, but we couldn't. We tried to get away from him, but he kept following us around yelling at us. People were staring. Finally he left. It was kinda scary.
Through many circumstances in my life, I began to build walls up around me. One of my defense mechanisms was to have sense of "toughness". On the other end, I was shy. Another was to laughed it off but deep down, I was insecure & never completely felt accepted outside of my family.   

My best Friend & me

This picture was taken about a month after my surgery during Christmas time. I didn't want my picture taken at all!! I was still swollen & my skin was horrible! It was dry, patchy, splotchy-it just wasn't right & no amount of makeup or moisturizers helped. Each time I looked in the mirror, it scared me. I would just stand there. Staring, questioning, regretting. When no one was around, I would just cry looking at myself. A few months passed & it was hard getting back into the routine of things. Meaning, church, the kids school programs, going out shopping, kids birthday parties,etc.  Anything where people saw me because people still stared. I felt bad for my hubby & kids.. I didn't want them to have that feeling of being embarrassed. Especially the kids. I really dont know why, I just knew people can be cruel sometimes.  I still had trouble speaking. Even though I didn't have the bands on anymore I couldn't open my mouth very wide. It was painful as I tried to get movement of my mouth going again. My tongue was still a little swollen & the shape of my mouth was different so it was kinda like learning how to speak again. It had been a few months since I had been to church. People from sunday school had seen me but there were a lot who hadn't.  I had some awkward moments at church. Like sitting down front thinking I may be recognized. And when people thought I was a visitor or the time I said Hi to someone I knew by name.  They kindly say Hello back but they had that look on their face of "Do I know you?"  I felt bad, and told myself not to call anyone out by name again. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for not recognizing me. It was understandable since I didn't recognize myself either. 
Most of the time when I would go out it would always be w/ my family. But I will never forget one Jr.High concert I went to w/out my hubby being there b/c he was working. My friends were there saving me a seat. The place was packed & loud!! I was still in my early stages of recovery-bands, swollen, no facial expressions & couldn't speak or breathe well. I almost didn't go, but we never missed a concert so I had to suck it up & go. Her husband met me & my youngest to take us to our seats. I was already self conscience & our seats were in the middle on the other side of the gym. Where the band was set up, I had to walk across the middle of the gym to get to our seats. We were the only ones walking across the gym at that time.  As I got closer to the middle section steps, I could see people just staring at me. It wasn't that look that people normally do when someone is trying to get to their seat, but that odd look of "what happened to her???" look. I sat down, tried to carry on a conversation w/ my friend the best I could b/c it took a lot out of me trying to talk over the loudness of the gym. I could see out of the corner of my eye the people behind me looking, especially the young boy right behind me. It was like he couldn't take his eyes off me. The concert was great & I was proud of both the kiddos but I was ready to go. I just had to make it through the, up close & personal crowd, that was try to make its through the double doors. Then stand there & wait for the kids to put their instruments away!  I can't say that this night didn't have an affect on me, it did. I now had an understanding of what someone disabled, scarred, burned, disfigured, might feel like.  Except I knew the way I looked was temporary. It was heart breaking to think that the feelings I had of embarrassment, loneliness, separation, avoidance, wanting to hide & not go anywhere may be feelings they live with everyday- for the rest of their life. And for me, I tried to play if off but starring just made things worse and I wondered if it did for them too. Even those quick looks, you know, "I'll look but as soon as they look at me I'll look away." I've tried teaching our children not to stare at those who looked "different" b/c we didn't know their story & like I was told "it's just not nice to stare".  I know we are human & people will stare and I have been guilty of starring & quick looks too, but now I could actually explain to them how staring might make them feel now that I have experienced it for myself. With those insecurities, I started to be overwhelmed with who I was. Not just because of how I looked but what I couldn't do anymore. Singing. I've always love to sing and I was passionate about serving in the Music Ministry at church, that's my heart. I tried singing and doing voice exercises at home but I was becoming so discouraged. I started to give up & believe that I couldn't sing anymore. I was having an identity crisis. I was daily going to the Lord, crying, speechless, broken.  Many wordless prayers, but the Lord knew my heart.  I love Worship, Praise & Christian music.  The Lord brought many songs my way to speak to me. He was getting my mind off myself, my insecurities, my doubt- me, and getting my focus back on Him. Who He is. What He did for me. How he loves me. And how He alone can fix my brokenness.  He told me to get back in choir. I could hit some notes but most of the time I just stood up there pretending to sing. I started to accept that this is all I was going to be able to do for now on. I started to notice that the more I sang the more my voice was starting to come back. Even though I still struggled A LOT the Lord told me to tell the Music Minister that I was going to try out for the Praise Team again. Being on the PT was a blessing but I lacked confidence b/c of some problem areas I still had. Thankfully I was able to take voice lessons at the church. This really helped & surprisingly I was getting my voice back.  As the choir began going over new music, I was asked to sing a song called "Not Guilty" by Mandisa. It is such a great song! As I started to learn it I became very doubtful. I was struggling with it & was ready to throw in the towel.  I came very close to telling him that I wasn't going to be able to do it. But the song just spoke to me. As it came time to sing in front of the church again, I was very nervous. I prayed for the Lord to sing through me. And He did! Dont get me wrong, when I sing it is not w/out flaws. But that is what I love about the Lord, you dont have to be perfect. The Lord isn't looking for perfection, He's looking at our hearts. The point was for me to realize it's all about Him! That my identity is in HIM not me, not what this world offers, not who people say I am, not the abilities I have, not what I want others to think of me, how I look, just Him!
 As the months went by and I started to look & feel more "normal", those insecurities started to go away. I still had my moments, but I started to feel whole again, if that makes sense.
I love our Tuesday morning bible studies at SBC.  God always leads me to what I need.  I started a study by Jennifer Rothschild called "Me, Myself & Lies". Ps 19:14 was the verse that was continual throughout the study "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer".  The Lord started to speak even more to me about my identity & how mine and others words/thoughts can have great influence on me. But it is God who spoke all things into existence, all He created was good (me & you), and it is His words that have power. I had to replace the thoughts I had of myself which were, not good enough, unaccepted, ugly, etc...
These were LIES from satan & I needed to renew my mind w/ the Truth of God's Word which He says I am accepted, loved, precious. I needed to know that my feelings & false assumptions are not related to who God is and what He is capable of.  Satan doesn't do anything w/out my (our) permission. He is waiting for me to give him something so he can attack me with it. I have to daily renew my mind with God's Truth, that's where the power is to overcome & defeat the one who has come to steal,kill,destroy,deceive,lie & curse me (you). I tried to sum up this 6wk study the best I could, but I could go on and on about how the Lord spoke to me during this study.

I had become so focused on myself that I was forgetting Who He is- He's my Creator. He made me perfectly. I am accepted by Him. He loves me unconditionally. He is my Comforter. In my weakness, He is my Strength. He hears my cries when no one else does and is there to wrap His arms around me & pick me back up in a way that none other can.  He is the reason why I loved to sing. It is Him who gave me the ability and the purpose for my singing. It is all for Him! He is God the Father, Jesus my Savior!

What Seemed like a Lifetime

 I must warn you that this post is going to show before and after pictures from my surgery. So if you get a little squeamish you might want to prepare yourself for the two pictures that may cause you to do more that say "OMG"!!!!  

This first picture was take after I had already had my braces on for a while.

Now for the after pictures.  These were taken the day we arrived back home. A lot of the swelling had gone down, according to my hubby, who said I was swollen to about the size of a basketball.

this is how I slept

propped up on the couch

We had already made plans for a family member to come & stay with the kids while we were gone and to help with my care afterwards since she had just retired from being an oral surgeons assistant & knew everything about the procedure. Finally home! As I sat there waiting for my hubby to walk around to help me out, I remember seeing our youngest come out with a look on his face that you just can't describe.  The two oldest were kinda the same.  There was this awkward distance between me & the kids, not knowing what to do or say.....

meds chart

Once we arrived home we soon realized that there were going to be some hurdles to overcome. Communicating was difficult but I was able to use a dry erase board to write things down.
My medicine were all in pill form. The problem with that is I couldn't swallow very well and I had a palatal splint that was held in place with some wire that I had to keep in for 6-8wks. All my pills had to be crushed w/ a pill crusher.  They tasted AWFUL!!! After looking through some recipe's from a couple of books given to me on, Meals Through a Straw, finding one that would hide the taste of the pills took a few tries but milk shakes were the best.  One time I thought I would try to see if I could swallow a pill.  Against the advise of my hubby, I took half of one of my small pills.  It started to go down but then got stuck & I started to choke on it.  For nutrition, I was told I needed a lot of protein.  The best way at the time was drinking Slim Fast or Ensure.  I had a lot of chicken & beef broth also.  But that can get old after a while. My hubby & aunt came up with some meals to blend to give me some variety.  Everything they made, they tried first.  If they didn't like it, I didn't get it. We had one blender but soon had to buy another one because it was always being used.  People wonder how I "ate". It was through a large syringe w/ a short tube that I could fit through a gap between my teeth. I am very thankful for all they did but also for Dr. Spillers Orthodontics, who came by one evening after work to deliver a gift basket & for our sunday school class from Second Baptist Church that had been praying & providing meals for my family. It took a lot to take care of my needs and this was a great help for my hubby & aunt. They didn't have to worry about taking care of me, cooking & feeding the 5 of them too.We are so blessed to be apart of a church family that love the Lord & serve to those in need.
I will never forget the first time I yawned. It hurt!! Then it dawned on me that I hadn't yawned for over a week. I had to place my hands under my chin & jaw every time to keep my mouth from opening.

everything I needed close by

At the beginning I didn't get up much but when I did I had vertigo really bad.  Thankfully I had my walker from when I had my back surgery 5 months prior but even w/ that I need help to get up to grab hold of my walker & still had to have someone guide & help me to the bathroom. With all the other things that were being done for me, when I took a shower, I had to be bathed. I couldn't drive for almost 2-3months because the vertigo was so bad. I had never felt so helpless in my life.  For those who really know me, asking for help wasn't something I did often. I have always had this "take care of myself" mentality.  I felt so bad because if they weren't blending meals & meds, getting my heat/cold compresses, they were cleaning up, sanitizing (aunt has celiacs disease) & taking care of all the "house stuff" &3 kids on very little sleep. My sleeping schedule was off and so was theirs. We did have better days.  Like the time we were watching America's Funniest Home Video's & I couldn't stop laughing.  Try having a laughing spell while trying to keep your mouth closed!  
The day came that I could take off my bandages. With the adhesive, I knew the bandages would probably come off easier if I took a hot shower. The bandages weren't coming off very easy & I started to get weak and was becoming over heated from the hot water. I told my hubby that I wasn't feeling well & felt like I was going to pass out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the bathroom floor, still wet w/ him & his aunt hovering over me. Thankfully he was there to catch me the best he could to prevent me from injuring my face or my back. There was this time where all my syringes & tubing were about wore out. We need to find some more. We went to the fire station & the firemen gave us tubing and his aunt called someone she used to work w/ & she mailed us some supplies hoping we could use them. 
I had elastics that were placed in 3 areas to keep my teeth together, not like a long time ago when they wired them shut. This was something I couldn't do by myself yet.  Our living room & my recliner became like a dentist office. I would recline back in the recliner while my hubby held the flash light & a cheek back while his aunt put my elastics on. This was not easy. Especially w/ a swollen mouth & rubber bands that would pop off or break once on & having to redo them.
 I started hallucinate from the meds. I would wake up in the middle of the night & what ever was on the TV had that computerized animated look.  That was so weird!!  But the worst was waking up not being able to breathe.  Remember the suction from the hospital I spoke of in my last post? Well my mechanical hubby put together a suction for me out of this thing that was for-I really dont know what it was-it was a man toy. LoL! It wasn't as good as the one at the hospital, but it worked. Many times I woke up with fear & anxiety because I was not able to breathe out of my mouth or nose from all the drainage, clots & swelling. And I would start to panic trying to find the tube for my suction & then hoped it would work because there were times there wasn't much suction. It was an experience I never want to relive again. My 1wk post op came & we all drove an 1 1/2 to the doc's office. It was my first time out of the house.The room was full when we got there. You'll have to imagine the thoughts that were going through all their minds. Nothing was said but looks can say a lot. At the doc's office I had x-rays done, stitches take out from the 3 areas where they had to place screws, and my mouth checked over. I had a total of 12 screws & 4 plates for upper jaw, 9 screws & 1 plate for lower, #3 two screws, #14 two screws,  Everything was good & we were on our way back home until the next follow up visit. My hubby & aunt took shifts once he had to go back to work. But it was still a full time job taking care of me. I could see how exhausted each of them were but they pulled through the best they could. I know I'm leaving a lot out since I was so out of it & on meds but words cannot express how appreciative I was for all that they did. 

              These next few pictures were taken the day of Thanksgiving. Still not so pretty...

The towel was my "bib" & I was drinking
chicken broth

hot/cold compress

My Thanksgiving Dinner in a syringe!  Yes, it tasted like Thanksgiving dinner!!

trying to smile

my other bed

By the time his aunt had to leave I was doing much better. Still had a lot of vertigo & wore out quickly but I was where I could do some things on my own while my hubby & kiddos were gone during the day. I still had  more follow up appointments to go to but my second post op visit surprised me because I didn't realized I had a wire that was below the gum that looked like a horse shoe around my tooth that needed to be removed. It was a small surgery done w/ local anesthetic & I had 8 stitches. I also found out that my recovery just from the surgery was 6-18 months and full recovery up to 5yrs, with the chance of the problems not being completely solved (this part I knew).  Only time would tell.  

Looking at myself during this time was hard.  I wasn't sure what to expect once the swelling went away. But I was able to handle it better at this point because I knew & others knew that I was still in that recovery time period. The months to follow began my journey of those low points I went through.  It was a time where I started to have an identity crisis & insecurities began to set in.  Emotions I haven't felt in a long time started to rise up again. Feelings I thought I had overcome became apparent that I had just tucked them away and whether or not I wanted to, it was time to deal with them.  

But that is for another time....

The Season Begins

I was so excited this morning because I had planned to finally take the time to sit and post something.  I had been meaning to do this for a while but so much has been going on that I have wanted to share but I just didn't know where to start. This can really end up like reading a book so I will fill you in a little at a time. But, I can say that I am at one of those high points in my walk with the Lord, but that didn't come until I went through some low points.  It's not that the Lord wasn't there, but as I learned last night in my bible study, He was just working on the foundations for what was to come. 
The past 3 or 4 years, I was going through a time where my life was an emotional roller coaster. I could tell the Lord was working but I really didn't have a clear understanding of why things were going like they were...up & down,up & down....can anyone else identify with me on this one???
After a few years of having a part time job & going through some trials and 2 surgeries & 1 surgery still to come,the Lord finally got my attention that I needed to go back to being a full time mom. This decision came during the 5 month window between my second & third surgery.  It was my 3rd surgery where I began to hit those low points.  This surgery consisted of having braces, again, and a total reconstruction of my upper & lower jaw, chin & a little bone removal-long story, but for a little understanding, the braces I had a as kid were not done properly. 
It was November 2010. We have been preparing 2 1/2 yrs for this surgery. The day finally came to take the 1 1/2 drive to where my surgery was being done. The surgery wasn't until the next day but had all the pre-op stuff to do. We checked in to our hotel & my man took me to Red Lobster b/c he knew this was one of my favorite places to eat & wanted me to enjoy my "last meal". I wasn't nervous the day of the surgery until it came to the time to get the IV started.  I hate IV's!!  And it just so happened, this time there were problems.  I hadn't had anything to drink since midnight & since my surgery wasn't until 1pm, I was very dehydrated. After 3 nurses sticking me I dont know how many times, me to the point of passing out, the doc coming in to see what was taking so long, they were finally able to get it going just enough to get the "feel good" meds in.  I was out before they opened the curtain to roll me back.  
Facebook was/is a very good place to inform a lot of people at one time.  So my sweet husband keep everyone updated through posts & texts for the 8hrs I was in surgery. I know this time was nerve racking for him b/c it wasn't expected to take that long. Come to find out the saw wasn't working so they got a new one then they went through 4 blades. The blades kept breaking b/c I seem to have some pretty tough bones! It was late at night by the time I was in my room.
I remember waking up and my first thoughts were "WHAT DID I JUST DO!!!!!!!!"  at the same time I heard the assistant doc say to my hubby, "she's probably thinking, what did I just do, but dont worry things will get better & the swelling will go down".  I was still pretty out of it. I remember looking down & saw my right fore arm was all bruised & taped where my surgeon had to put in two more IV's. I was happy that those to were able to come out but the one in my left arm had to stay in. I tried to keep my eyes open but they were so tired. My face & head felt so heavy. It was hard to breath. I couldn't swallow-my tongue & mouth were so swollen. I kept the suction in my hand at all times. I depended on that to breathe & because I couldn't swallow, to suction all the drainage. I hurt. I was so weak. I had to groan because I couldn't speak. I was sick all night,morning,& afternoon. Couldn't keep anything down. I remember one time I started feeling sick. Opened my eyes to see my hubby sitting in a chair, arms folded, head tilted back against the wall w/ his eyes shut. I hated to wake him again, but he was all the help I had. He was so exhausted from being up for so long,waiting through the surgery & taking care of me. I was suppose to leave the hospital at noon to check in at my doc's office then head back home. But I was still too sick. Finally, w/ hubbys help, I got up & went into the bathroom. I glanced in the mirror & looked away. My hubby told me a lot of the swelling had already gone down. Even so, nothing could have prepared me for that first look. I took a shower, got my pj's on with the help of my hubby & decided I just had to go. Got packed up, in the wheel chair with my bucket and off we went. I just wanted to get in the truck & get to my doc's office. But getting from my room & waiting for the truck to pull up seemed like forever-mainly because of all the looks I got. I would try to keep looking down but there were times I would look up & someone was staring at me. It didn't upset me really, but I knew it was a sight to see, I had seen myself so I did want to hurry up & leave.  We arrived to my doc's office. He met us outside & got us in through the back & as soon as I sat down I got sick.  He checked me out, listened to my stomach, & we finally came up with- I don't do well w/ morphine! This makes sense b/c 5 months earlier I was real sick after my back surgery but the nurses there thought it was from the anesthesia, now realize it was the morphine. My oral surgeon orders for his patients to be off the morphine at a certain time but b/c I couldn't keep the oral stuff down the decision was made, not by my doc, to keep me on the morphine pump. "The sickness may not have lasted that long, but oh well, whats done is done. Now we know." I thought. He gave me a dose of zophran (spelling??)in the vein to help w/ the nausea in hopes that would last our 1 1/2hr ride home. Everything else looked good in my mouth. We set up 1wk post-op appt and off we went, finally headed home. I slept most the way there & started feeling better since the morphine was out of my system. I was happy to finally pull up in our drive way and just be home....the worst was over.....so I thought. 

Melissa's Moments will be continued... ;)             

 

 

My Simple Thoughts

I've always been one to sit and ponder. I have tried to write my thoughts down but for some reason my pondering thoughts never made it onto paper that often. I started a Diary when I was little but have no clue where it is, but I do remember what it looks like. I even have a memory of what I wrote in it one time. When I was in elementary school, the church I grew up in was having a "Dinner & A Show" night and the choir was performing "The Music Man". A favorite of mine till this day. My grandma played the grandma and she let me go to all the practices with her.  I remember watching the movies with her as she did her ceramics while learning her lines.  Back to what I wrote in it.  Let's just say I had a huge crush one of the boys in the play. In my diary I wrote out the words to the song "Goodnight My Someone" but instead of "someone" I inserted that boys name. Oh the memories and laughter that come as I look back on these moments!!  I do still have another Diary that was given to me from my grandparents in 1990. Not to my surprise, there isn't much written in it. The first page was simple. Who it was from. Who was there when I received it. And the statement "this was a good weekend"- Love Melissa Ann Hale.  My next entry I do remember but as a young teenager with a broken heart, I decided to rip those pages out and burn them with the pictures and notes from the one who broke my poor little heart. Unfortunately my idea of "out of sight, out of mind" didn't work. Although I kept this diary in my night stand next to my bed, I don't remember writing in it much. So after getting my diary out ( in the drawer next to my bed) and looking at it today (first time in years) it starts with the date January 26,1990. Following that, the next page is dated January 11,1995. Five pages later, it's 1997. Two pages after that,1998. Five pages later, nothing.  Now I begin again where a hand written diary in 2012 seems to be a thing of the past. Or if it is hand written,it's called a Journal. But as you can see the most popular is this thing called a Blog.

So here is my warning to you. I don't have a very good record of recording my thoughts, but I do intend to keep up with it this time. And for all you grammar, puncuation, perfect order, correct sentence people, as you can tell I'm not real good at that either. Also, I'm not very good with all this technology stuff. I tried creating a Facebook page for my crocheting and lets just say it was a fail. So who knows how this is going to turn out. Don't say I didn't warn ya! ;)

So why blog? Through a series of event over my lifetime and having grown in my walk with my Savior, Jesus Christ, I have come to believe that what I call "my simple thoughts" or "Melissa's Moments" could be used as a tool to bring Glory and Honor to my Lord. This blog will consist of stories and experiences from my childhood to the present. I will blog about what the Lord has done and is doing in my life.  Some entries may be as simple as a question, a thought, a song, a picture, a piece of Scripture. Other times it will be about family, church, friends and what's going on in this life of mine, my moments.  Whatever it may be, I hope that you will enjoy what is to be ~ Melissa's Moments.

In Christ,
Melissa