Ready or not....the emotional roller coaster that I didn't realize I was on, was beginning for this season of my life. I hope you have some time because this may be a long post! ; )
Recovering from this surgery was very exhausting. Physically and mentally. Physically because it had just drained me. I recovered from my back surgery pretty well, but this recovery lasted longer than I wanted it too. I think having two major surgeries back to back didn't help. Mentally was even more of a struggle for me because of the insecurities I had. Throughout my childhood I struggled with not feeling accepted & not "fitting in". I'm sure there are a lot of people that experienced those emotions too. My circumstances weren't bad, just different from other children at that time. My older bother and I were raised by our grandparents on our father's side. Our parents met while our dad was in the Marines during the time of the Vietnam War. Our birth mom & dad divorced when we were babies (we are 16 months apart) She went her way & our dad joined the Navy. Our grandparents then had guardianship over us (I was 5months old, I think). Being bi-racial, raised in a "white" family during those days weren't as common as now. People thought my grandparents adopted us. In elementary, I can remember kids thinking I was lying about not being adopted. In the minds of kids, they saw a brown girl raised in a white family. It didn't make sense how they could be my biological family. In school kids would come up to me saying "What are You????" or are you this or that? I also was called every racial slur there is. No one was ever right though, LOL! As a teenager, on a family vacation, we were all at a mall. Everyone went their own way. My aunt & I decided to go sit down and a man approached us asking my race. I told him & he wasn't very happy w/ that answer b/c it didn't agree w/ his thoughts. He became angry & argumentative so we got up to go find the family, mainly the men, but we couldn't. We tried to get away from him, but he kept following us around yelling at us. People were staring. Finally he left. It was kinda scary.
Through many circumstances in my life, I began to build walls up around me. One of my defense mechanisms was to have sense of "toughness". On the other end, I was shy. Another was to laughed it off but deep down, I was insecure & never completely felt accepted outside of my family.
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| My best Friend & me |
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This picture was taken about a month after my surgery during Christmas time. I didn't want my picture taken at all!! I was still swollen & my skin was horrible! It was dry, patchy, splotchy-it just wasn't right & no amount of makeup or moisturizers helped. Each time I looked in the mirror, it scared me. I would just stand there. Staring, questioning, regretting. When no one was around, I would just cry looking at myself. A few months passed & it was hard getting back into the routine of things. Meaning, church, the kids school programs, going out shopping, kids birthday parties,etc. Anything where people saw me because people still stared. I felt bad for my hubby & kids.. I didn't want them to have that feeling of being embarrassed. Especially the kids. I really dont know why, I just knew people can be cruel sometimes. I still had trouble speaking. Even though I didn't have the bands on anymore I couldn't open my mouth very wide. It was painful as I tried to get movement of my mouth going again. My tongue was still a little swollen & the shape of my mouth was different so it was kinda like learning how to speak again. It had been a few months since I had been to church. People from sunday school had seen me but there were a lot who hadn't. I had some awkward moments at church. Like sitting down front thinking I may be recognized. And when people thought I was a visitor or the time I said Hi to someone I knew by name. They kindly say Hello back but they had that look on their face of "Do I know you?" I felt bad, and told myself not to call anyone out by name again. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for not recognizing me. It was understandable since I didn't recognize myself either.
Most of the time when I would go out it would always be w/ my family. But I will never forget one Jr.High concert I went to w/out my hubby being there b/c he was working. My friends were there saving me a seat. The place was packed & loud!! I was still in my early stages of recovery-bands, swollen, no facial expressions & couldn't speak or breathe well. I almost didn't go, but we never missed a concert so I had to suck it up & go. Her husband met me & my youngest to take us to our seats. I was already self conscience & our seats were in the middle on the other side of the gym. Where the band was set up, I had to walk across the middle of the gym to get to our seats. We were the only ones walking across the gym at that time. As I got closer to the middle section steps, I could see people just staring at me. It wasn't that look that people normally do when someone is trying to get to their seat, but that odd look of "what happened to her???" look. I sat down, tried to carry on a conversation w/ my friend the best I could b/c it took a lot out of me trying to talk over the loudness of the gym. I could see out of the corner of my eye the people behind me looking, especially the young boy right behind me. It was like he couldn't take his eyes off me. The concert was great & I was proud of both the kiddos but I was ready to go. I just had to make it through the, up close & personal crowd, that was try to make its through the double doors. Then stand there & wait for the kids to put their instruments away! I can't say that this night didn't have an affect on me, it did. I now had an understanding of what someone disabled, scarred, burned, disfigured, might feel like. Except I knew the way I looked was temporary. It was heart breaking to think that the feelings I had of embarrassment, loneliness, separation, avoidance, wanting to hide & not go anywhere may be feelings they live with everyday- for the rest of their life. And for me, I tried to play if off but starring just made things worse and I wondered if it did for them too. Even those quick looks, you know, "I'll look but as soon as they look at me I'll look away." I've tried teaching our children not to stare at those who looked "different" b/c we didn't know their story & like I was told "it's just not nice to stare". I know we are human & people will stare and I have been guilty of starring & quick looks too, but now I could actually explain to them how staring might make them feel now that I have experienced it for myself. With those insecurities, I started to be overwhelmed with who I was. Not just because of how I looked but what I couldn't do anymore. Singing. I've always love to sing and I was passionate about serving in the Music Ministry at church, that's my heart. I tried singing and doing voice exercises at home but I was becoming so discouraged. I started to give up & believe that I couldn't sing anymore. I was having an identity crisis. I was daily going to the Lord, crying, speechless, broken. Many wordless prayers, but the Lord knew my heart. I love Worship, Praise & Christian music. The Lord brought many songs my way to speak to me. He was getting my mind off myself, my insecurities, my doubt- me, and getting my focus back on Him. Who He is. What He did for me. How he loves me. And how He alone can fix my brokenness. He told me to get back in choir. I could hit some notes but most of the time I just stood up there pretending to sing. I started to accept that this is all I was going to be able to do for now on. I started to notice that the more I sang the more my voice was starting to come back. Even though I still struggled A LOT the Lord told me to tell the Music Minister that I was going to try out for the Praise Team again. Being on the PT was a blessing but I lacked confidence b/c of some problem areas I still had. Thankfully I was able to take voice lessons at the church. This really helped & surprisingly I was getting my voice back. As the choir began going over new music, I was asked to sing a song called "Not Guilty" by Mandisa. It is such a great song! As I started to learn it I became very doubtful. I was struggling with it & was ready to throw in the towel. I came very close to telling him that I wasn't going to be able to do it. But the song just spoke to me. As it came time to sing in front of the church again, I was very nervous. I prayed for the Lord to sing through me. And He did! Dont get me wrong, when I sing it is not w/out flaws. But that is what I love about the Lord, you dont have to be perfect. The Lord isn't looking for perfection, He's looking at our hearts. The point was for me to realize it's all about Him! That my identity is in HIM not me, not what this world offers, not who people say I am, not the abilities I have, not what I want others to think of me, how I look, just Him!
As the months went by and I started to look & feel more "normal", those insecurities started to go away. I still had my moments, but I started to feel whole again, if that makes sense.
I love our Tuesday morning bible studies at SBC. God always leads me to what I need. I started a study by Jennifer Rothschild called "Me, Myself & Lies". Ps 19:14 was the verse that was continual throughout the study "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer". The Lord started to speak even more to me about my identity & how mine and others words/thoughts can have great influence on me. But it is God who spoke all things into existence, all He created was good (me & you), and it is His words that have power. I had to replace the thoughts I had of myself which were, not good enough, unaccepted, ugly, etc...
These were LIES from satan & I needed to renew my mind w/ the Truth of God's Word which He says I am accepted, loved, precious. I needed to know that my feelings & false assumptions are not related to who God is and what He is capable of. Satan doesn't do anything w/out my (our) permission. He is waiting for me to give him something so he can attack me with it. I have to daily renew my mind with God's Truth, that's where the power is to overcome & defeat the one who has come to steal,kill,destroy,deceive,lie & curse me (you). I tried to sum up this 6wk study the best I could, but I could go on and on about how the Lord spoke to me during this study.
I had become so focused on myself that I was forgetting Who He is- He's my Creator. He made me perfectly. I am accepted by Him. He loves me unconditionally. He is my Comforter. In my weakness, He is my Strength. He hears my cries when no one else does and is there to wrap His arms around me & pick me back up in a way that none other can. He is the reason why I loved to sing. It is Him who gave me the ability and the purpose for my singing. It is all for Him! He is God the Father, Jesus my Savior!
First Concert
First Concert
